I have a lot of thoughts and no real place to put them so I think I'm going to put them here :). I plan on writing whatever I want to write about. Maybe I'll do a little monthly review type deal. Who knows. This is hard and I am bad at using the computer.
The first portion of May felt like April part two. The universe continued to beat me with that big ol' stick. Honestly the first portion of this month was kind of a blur. Right at the start I had back to back concerts the first weekend. Static Dress first, my faves, my boys. It was absolutely unreal. I love that band so much. Sunday was Superheaven and that was the perfect show for that Sunday. This weekend did lead to a weird interaction with a guy I went on a few dates with. Saturday he responds to my story of Static Dress to tell me he was there, we talk a bit, he asks me what show I'm going to next sort of implying I maybe won't have to go to a show alone for once. I tell him I'm going to see Superheaven, he says he can't make it. On Sunday after I get back from the Superheaven show, this motherfucker sends me a video damn near identical to the one I posted on my story of Spy. Not only did he go to the show and not say anything, HE GOT TO GO BACKSTAGE. So I'm cursing his bloodline. The real sweet part of the month was the end of May. For my birthday weekend I went back to my hometown because I knew if I spent my birthday alone, I'd kill myself. My best friend and sister picked me up from the airport. I got to spend time with my family, I got drunk as fuck at bingo, I was reunited with another childhood best friend I hadn't seen in two years. It was a beautiful day full of love. I needed that reminder that there are people who love me. Mr. Alaska did not wish me a happy birthday even though I literally messaged him. Whatever. Still a beautiful day. The tail end of May gave me hope for June. 24 feels good. 23 was a fucking nightmare, genuinely one of the worst years of my life. I think things are maybe looking up.
This month has felt like the universe is beating me with a really big stick. Some highlights include: getting strep, getting a mystery rash that has spread all over my chest and back and is now on my arms and legs, the guy I've been hooking up leaving for Alaska for 6 months for work, and the experiments I've been working on a month failing. I have cried driving to work most days about how lonely I am and how much I wish I had friends. I am so unbelievably burnt out and I feel like I'm just watching the world crash down around me at all times. I'm defeated. I'm so unbelievably defeated. It is hard to keep going. It wasn't all bad! I got to see Movements for the third time and even though I spent the entire morning of the concert crying about my lover (I don't have anything better to call him) leaving it was so good. Great line up. Solid night. I also got to see my mom for her birthday and that was really nice as well. I want to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I hate that I can feel it getting bad again and I can't do anything about it. I know the month isn't over at the time I'm writing this but I don't think two days is going to change much. I'm hoping for a better May.